Content note: this post talks about major depression and despair.
Somebody saw one of my memes the other day and said I seemed carefree.
I’m not carefree. Not even close.
Most nights I end up crying and in despair over what happened. Not once in a while. Most nights. Then the sun comes up, I post something about getting back up, and from the outside it probably looks like I’ve got it handled.
Here’s what it looks like from the inside. I’m about to lose my house. I’m going to have to move back in with family. I haven’t been able to see a therapist, and I haven’t been able to get my meds for depression or for my blood pressure. That last part stresses me out every single day.
So what keeps me going? Honestly, anger and coffee. Most days, that’s the fuel.
But even those have limits. Coffee wears off. Anger burns you down if it’s all you run on.
What’s underneath both of them is the real reason I’m still fighting. I can’t let what happened to me happen to anyone else.
And in Alabama, it happens a lot, because bigotry is always around. Somebody out there is going through it right now. Smiling at work. Posting something light at night. Coming apart where nobody can see it.
That’s the thing about “you seem fine.” It’s what people see. It isn’t what it took. Some days, just showing up took everything I had.
I’m not telling you this so you’ll feel sorry for me. I’m telling you because if you’re the one who seems fine right now, you’re not the only one carrying it.
If you’re in that place tonight, reach out to someone: a doctor, a counselor, somebody you trust (and if you’re in crisis in the U.S., call or text 988). It won’t fix everything, but it’s one way through.
If you’re dealing with bullying at work, start here: Don’t Fight Alone.
What do people see when they look at you, and what is it actually taking? Tell me in the comments if you want to. Someone reading might need to know they’re not the only one.
I’m not fine. But I’m still getting back up.
As long as you’re getting back up, you’ve already won.
About this post: The events I describe from my time at the agency are ones I have reported under oath to the EEOC. My reflections, feelings, and opinions are my own and are offered as personal experience, not legal findings.
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